


When Christmas Isn’t Very Merry

by KendallsCGU



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Family, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:07:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22143076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KendallsCGU/pseuds/KendallsCGU
Summary: When his father passes away shortly before Christmas, Kendall and his family find themselves struggling. Taking notice of this, Logan, Carlos and James decide to help them out a bit.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	When Christmas Isn’t Very Merry

"Come on, baby sister. Mom's waiting for us at home."

Eleven-year-old Kendall Knight took ahold of his little sister's hand, which was cold and slightly damp from where she had previously had it pressed against a store's window. He shivered slightly as a strong gust of wind passed by them, blowing his bangs into his eyes. He huffed in annoyance, but smiled down at Katie as she turned to look up at him, her bottom lip sticking out in a pout.

"I don't wanna," she said, pressing her forehead against the window's glass, her eyes scanning the toys that were on display in front of it. "Can we go inside?" She tugged on his hand, trying to pull him towards the store's entrance, which was decorated with a colorful wreath and bells. "Pleeease?"

"I don't have any money, Katie—"

"I just wanna see!"

Before Kendall could protest any further, Katie's hand had slipped out of his grip and she was running towards the store's entrance, her little hands wrapping around the door's handle. "It won't open," she said as she tried to pull it open, the door opening slightly, but closing a second later.

Kendall shook his head from side to side, trying to hide the smile that was starting to tug at his lips, and moved to where his sister was standing, with her arms now crossed over her chest. "Here, let me do it," he said, before opening the door with a grunt and waiting for her to slip past.

Grinning from ear to ear, Katie let out a happy cry and practically ran into the store, so Kendall was forced to rush after her. Inside the store it was warm and cozy, almost the complete opposite of how it was outside. He watched as Katie walked to where the big glass window was, and grabbed a rag doll she had been looking at. The doll had dark brown hair, black buttons for eyes, and a stitched on red smile. If he was being honest, Kendall found it to be a bit creepy-looking, but Katie seemed to love it, for she was now hugging it to her chest, her big brown eyes staring up at him.

"Can I take her home?" she asked, handing the rag doll over to Kendall. "I'll take good care of her, I promise!"

Kendall sighed as he held the doll in one hand, the other turning over the price tag to see how much it costed. He already knew he wouldn't be able to buy it. They had just come from school, and he had no money on him. Not to mention that their father had passed away a little over a month before, in a car accident that had taken his life almost instantly. Now, their mother was struggling to keep the three of them afloat.

Before his father had passed away, his mother had been unemployed, due to the fact that the store she had been working at had closed down. She had been trying to find a job, but hadn't had much luck, which wasn't that bad at first, since their dad worked for a big company and was able to make enough money on his own. But now, their mother was struggling to find a job, since they could no longer rely on their father's salary. For the past three days, though, she had fallen ill with a bad cold and fever, and could hardly handle getting out of bed, much less going out to look for a job.

"It's fifteen dollars," he said, running a hand through his already-disheveled blond hair. "We don't have that kind of money right now."

He watched with a solemn expression as Katie's gaze turned towards the floor, her posture slumping slightly. He frowned and placed a hand on her shoulder, pulling her to his side. "I'm sorry, Katie. You could ask Santa for it," he told her, doing his best to sound hopeful. "I'm sure Santa will bring it to you if you ask."

"Really?" Katie looked up, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"Really!" Kendall smiled, placing the doll back in Katie's awaiting arms. "We have to put her back for now, though, okay?"

"Okay." Katie's lips pressed together into a tight frown, but she walked back to where the doll had been sitting, on top of a giant stuffed reindeer, and placed it back where it went.

"It's just for a little while," Kendall told her, hoping the words would comfort her, but the frown on Katie's face did not falter. As he gripped the little girl's hand and made his way out of the toy shop, he felt his heart plummet to his stomach. Without his father, he felt hollow. He wanted him back, more than he had ever wanted anything else in his life. He wanted his family to be complete again; wanted to see his mother genuinely happy, because ever since the accident, she could barely force a smile onto her face.

* * *

"Mommy, we're home!" Kendall called up the stairs as he helped Katie to remove her boots, and then proceeded to take off his jacket. He waited for a reply, but when there was none, he turned to Katie and told her to stay put, while he went to check on his mother.

He bounded up the steps in a hurry, his heart hammering in his chest, breathing coming out in sharp intakes for air. Landing on the second floor, he rushed to his mother's room and pushed the door open, tears already pooling in his green eyes.

To his utter relief, his mother was sitting on the edge of her bed, with her back turned towards him. As he went running into the room, though, her head turned in his direction, a small gasp slipping past her lips.

"Kendall, honey, you scared me."

" _You_ scared me!" Kendall both felt and heard his voice crack on the last word, his hands shaking by his sides. His chest was rising and falling rapidly, his cheeks tinted a rosy pink. It felt as if someone had just dunked him in a bucket of freezing water.

"I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't hear you come in," his mother said, reaching for his hand, only to pull it back towards her chest a second later. As much as she longed to pull the little boy into her arms, she didn't want to risk getting him sick as well. "Baby, are you okay?"

Kendall slowly nodded his head where he stood, at least four feet separating the two of them. "I'm okay," he said, turning away from his mother as he felt a tear start to roll down his cheek. "I'm gonna go check on Katie."

He heard his mother say something in response, but wasn't able to piece the words together, for he was already running out of the room and down the stairs. Since his father's sudden death it was as if he was constantly on high alert – terrified that his mother would be ripped away from his life, just like his father had been. He knew deep down that it was probably an irrational fear, but that didn't make it any better; it did not make the fear fade away.

"Kenny!" Katie giggled as she saw him run down the stairs. She was sitting on the floor by the foot of the stairs, her backpack open in front of her. As he approached her, Kendall brushed away the tear track that was already drying on his cheek and tried his best to crack a smile for her. He kneeled down on the floor in front of her then, peering down at the paper that was lying across her lap.

"Hey, Katie-Kat. What you got there?" he asked, his smile faltering slightly as Katie held up the paper proudly. It was a picture of a family – _their_ family, or rather, the family they used to be before their world had been turned upside down.

"It's us!" she said, shoving the paper into Kendall's unawaiting hands. "Us and daddy," she added, her voice becoming quieter as she did. "When are we gonna see daddy again?"

The sadness in Katie's voice made Kendall's chest tighten. The hold he had on the paper loosened as he scrambled his brain for a response. It was hard to come up with anything, though. He still had so many questions; there was still so much he, himself, did not understand. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water, his heart pounding in a fast rhythm in his ears.

"One day," he finally said, not quite knowing what else to say to her. He swallowed hard, feeling tears prick at the corners of his eyes. "One day we will."

Katie opened her mouth, as if about to say something else, but that is when their mom appeared at the top of the stairs, her steps cautious as she started to descend them.

Looking up, the little girl's frown stretched across her face into a smile. "Mommy!" she yelled, before rising to her feet in the blink of an eye and running up the stairs to meet her mother halfway.

"Hi, baby," Mrs. Knight said, looking down at her daughter, who was only about half her height. "How was school?"

At her question, Katie started going off on a rant about the things she'd done at school that day, but Kendall was only able to catch a small portion of it, for he soon found himself being lost in thought. He looked down at the picture that now lay on his lap, with four stick figures, one of which had a halo drawn atop its head. He felt a sudden sadness drape around him, crushing him with its heaviness. It had been over a month, but he still couldn't believe it. There were nights when he awoke, drenched in sweat, cold shivers running up and down his body, gasping for air that had somehow left his lungs while he was sleeping. It was terrifying, but the real terror came when he awoke, thinking the accident had been nothing but a dream, only to find out it had been a nightmare, but one that was as real as the pounding of his heart against his chest.

"Kendall, honey, did you hear me?"

Suddenly aware that his mom had been talking to him, Kendall shook himself out of his reverie and blinked up at his mother, who was now standing in front of him. With a shake of his head, he grabbed Katie's drawing, stuffed it into her backpack, and rose to his feet.

"What?"

"I said I have a bit of change left over from the last time we went to the market. I'm gonna go buy us some groceries," she said, sighing loudly. "Do you want to come along?"

Kendall frowned and shook his head. "Mom, you're sick," he pointed out. "I can go."

"Kendall—"

"I'll go," he insisted, pushing his bangs back with one hand. "Where's the change?"

His mother crossed her arms, frowning slightly at his unwillingness to back down.

"Baby, I can go."

"It's just a few blocks away. I'll be fine."

"Okay." She ran a hand through her hair in frustration but nodded towards the kitchen. "It should be in the counter," she said, almost in a whisper. "Are you sure—"

"I'm sure." He smiled and made his way to where he had left his jacket discarded on the living room couch. He then made his way towards the kitchen and grabbed the change that sure enough was on the counter. He counted a total of six dollars and fifty-seven cents, before stuffing them into one of the pockets of his jacket and walking back to where his mom was waiting. "What should I get?"

"Some eggs and milk… I don't think we can afford much else. But if you can, a couple of tomatoes too."

Kendall nodded, and with a quiet "I'll be back soon" walked out of the house and back to the cold Minnesota air. It had begun to snow at some point since they had gotten home, and now the ground looked like someone had sprinkled flour all over it.

Most of the walk to the market was quiet, aside from the sound of cars speeding by in the distance. The streets on the way there appeared to be deserted – at least, that's what Kendall thought until he suddenly heard a shout of his name, followed by the sound of feet rapidly catching up to him. He looked up in surprise, soon finding himself face to face with Logan – one of his three best friends – whose cheeks were tinted pink, his hair coated by the falling snow.

"Hey." Logan gave him a crooked smile, his teeth chattering loudly from the cold. "Where are you going?"

"To the market," Kendall responded, eyeing the other boy sheepishly. "You're freezing. Where did you come from, anyway?"

"I saw you leave your house."

"So you followed me here?" Kendall raised an eyebrow, though he was the least bit amused.

"Sorta, yeah."

"Why?"

"Because... I wanted to?"

"Okay…" Kendall was unconvinced, but continued his walk to the market with Logan following closely behind.

"Okay, maybe I wanted to talk about something..."

At this, Kendall's feet came to a halt. Behind him, Logan let out a quiet "oof!" right as he crashed into him. "Sorry."

"What is it?" Kendall turned around, his full attention now on the other boy. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine," Logan said, as he began to scratch at the back of his neck, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, avoiding Kendall's gaze. "It's just…"

"It's just… what?"

Logan kicked a pebble with the tip of his boot, sending it flying into the middle of the street. He kept his eye on it for a moment, and then looked up at Kendall, who was watching him intently. "Mom wanted me to ask you if you and your f— mom and Katie are doing anything for Christmas." Logan turned a shade paler, but Kendall pretended he didn't notice the way he was about to say "family," but stopped himself before he could.

"Not really," Kendall mumbled, now being the one to look uncomfortable. He didn't know how to tell his best friend that they had no money for dinner or presents, or how there was an empty feeling inside him that made him not want to celebrate Christmas at all. Ever since he was little, he had loved Christmas. He loved decorating the Christmas tree, putting up lights outside, making cookies, and getting to see the smiling faces of his family and closest friends as they opened their own gifts. But now, without his father there, it was hard for him to feel excited about any of that. "Why?"

"She wanted me to invite you to come to our house on Christmas. Christmas Eve too, if you want. You could help us make cookies, and we could watch movies together." Logan looked up at him with hopeful eyes as he fidgeted with a loose strand on his jacket. "Would you like to? Carlos and James might come too."

"I'll have to ask my mom," Kendall said, "but thank you. I'd like that."

"No problem." Logan smiled, following Kendall when he started walking again. "Why are you going to the market?"

"To pick up some stuff we need," Kendall responded, keeping his gaze forward.

"Can I come?"

"Shouldn't you tell your mom first?"

"I told her I was gonna hang out with you."

"I doubt that included a trip to the market," Kendall said, raising an eyebrow at him.

Logan shrugged. "Doubt she'll mind."

"Do you even know your own mom?" Kendall chuckled lightly, knowing fully well how overprotective Logan's mother could be at times since he was her only child.

"Yes…"

"Alright, but if you get in trouble, don't blame me."

"Okay." Logan grinned, and together, the two boys continued their way towards the small market that was nearby. They stayed quiet on their way there, until they happened to pass by the store Kendall and Katie had passed on their way home that very afternoon. Kendall came to a stop there, his eyes landing on the doll with the little button eyes and red smile.

"What are you looking at?" Logan asked, peering over Kendall's shoulder.

"The doll." Kendall swallowed hard and turned back to Logan, blinking back tears. "Katie saw it earlier and really wants it, but…"

"But?"

"Nothing."

"But it is, isn't it?"

"What?"

"It _is_ something," Logan said, taking ahold of Kendall's wrist. "What is it?"

"Mom hasn't been able to find a job," Kendall finally said reluctantly. "We can't afford it."

"Oh." Logan frowned where he stood, his fingers tightening around Kendall's wrist. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Maybe I could—"

"No." Kendall shook his head and started to back away from Logan, slipping his wrist out of his hold. "I know what you're gonna say, and I appreciate it, but no, it's okay."

"Kendall…"

"I'll figure something out. Really, it's okay."

Logan's frown grew, but he didn't push any further. "Okay."

"Thank you." Kendall smiled at him, but it was so obviously forced that it looked more like a combination of a frown and a smile, than an actual smile. "We should get going," he said, pulling Logan along. "Mom will start to worry if I take too long."

Logan nodded and followed along, his thoughts preoccupied by his best friend and his family.

* * *

"Why did you want us to get together?" James asked the next day, as he and Carlos took a seat on the edge of Logan's bed. Logan was pacing back and forth in front of them worriedly, his hands pulling at his dark hair lightly. "Is everything okay?"

"And where's Kendall? I thought he was coming, too."

"He's not," Logan said, coming to a stop in front of them.

"Okay… Why isn't he?" Carlos pulled his lower lip in between his teeth, his eyebrows knitting together tightly. "Did something happen?"

"He's… the reason I wanted to talk to you."

Carlos and James turned to each other wearing matching expressions of confusion on their faces. They both turned their attention back to Logan then, awaiting further explanation.

Letting out a heavy breath, Logan sat down in between them, letting his head fall into his hands. "There's this doll at a store nearby."

"A doll?" James questioned. "It's not possessed, is it? Because I saw this movie where this doll—"

"No, it's not possessed!"

"Aw, man. That would've actually been kinda cool," Carlos said, causing Logan to roll his eyes in annoyance.

"Anyway… There's a doll there, that Katie wants, but Kendall's family can't afford it, so I was thinking…"

"That we could get it for her?" James asked.

"I thought it would be a nice Christmas present. I mean, they've been through so much, especially this past month. I just thought—"

"It's a great idea, Logie," Carlos said before Logan could finish, and looped an arm over his shoulders. "Let's do it."

"The only thing is, Kendall told me not to."

"What? Why not?"

Logan shrugged his shoulders in response to Carlos' question. "He said he'd handle it, but I really don't think he should have to. Plus, it's only fifteen dollars. If we each pitch in five, we should have enough."

"Then I say we go get it as soon as possible."

"I agree," James said to Logan's right. "Let's go get it."

* * *

The afternoon of Christmas Eve, Logan, Carlos and James were sitting on Logan's bedroom floor, with a gift box, wrapping paper, tape, and several discarded Christmas bows all around them. Inside the box, which was decorated with a light brown bear dressed up as Santa, Carlos had carefully placed the doll they had gotten for Katie.

Logan smiled at the sight of it, before doing his best to cut up a rectangular piece of red, green and white-striped wrapping paper, and wrapping the box with it.

"James, can you hand me the tape?"

James did as he was told, and then grabbed the box to keep it in its place as Logan taped the wrapping paper around it.

"What color of bow should we use?" Carlos asked, having gathered all the bows into a neat pile in front of him.

"I think the red one would look the nicest," James said and plucked it from the pile.

Once the bow was in its place, Logan grabbed a sharpie and gift tag, and stuck it to the top right corner of the box. Carefully, he wrote "To: Katie" in medium-sized print, and then looked up at the two boys beside him. At their knowing nods, he pressed the tip of the marker back against the gift tag, and wrote "From: Santa" in larger letters.

"You think they'll actually believe it's from Santa?" Carlos asked, eyeing their finished work.

Logan smiled, took the box in his hands, and stood up. "I guess there's only one way to find out."

* * *

"Last one downstairs is a mug of rotten egg nog!"

As James, Carlos, Logan, and Katie went running down the stairs of Logan's house, Kendall trudged down them, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. They had spent the prior evening decorating cookies, watching Christmas movies and reruns on TV, as well as playing board games together. And although he had enjoyed it, sleeping had been a struggle. He had spent most of the night staring up at the ceiling, doing his best not to cry as his best friends slept beside him. His heart ached. He longed, more than anything, in this moment, to go back in time to last Christmas, when his father was still alive and the atmosphere around him actually felt merry. This year, everything felt heavy, coated by sadness and heartache. He wanted to be happy, but that was a task that seemed impossible in that very moment.

"Kendall, come on! It's time to open presents!"

Kendall felt a tug on his shoulder, pulling him back into reality. He blinked as Carlos stretched out a hand and wrapped it around his, pulling him towards the living room. There, Logan and his mom's Christmas tree was lit up, decorated by red, white, blue, green, and yellow lights, hugged by golden tinsel. Under it, there were countless Christmas presents, wrapped up in all different kinds of wrapping paper.

He felt hands on his shoulders, pushing him to sit on the brown couch in front of the tree, and looked up to see James' smiling face.

No sooner had he sat down than a box, wrapped up in gift wrap with little penguins on it, was shoved into his arms.

"That's for you," Logan said as he sat down in front of him on the floor. "Open it."

Looking down at the box, he started to unwrap the wrapping paper carefully, and once it was all off, opened the box underneath to reveal a picture frame inside it. He felt tears prickling at the corners of his eyes as he grabbed the picture frame and pushed the box to the side. The frame was all black, but inside it was a picture of him, with Katie and his mom and dad that Logan's mom had taken at one of the boys' hockey games. He was standing in the middle, with his mom and dad standing behind him, five-year-old Katie in his dad's arms. They all wore huge smiles; they looked genuinely happy.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up, distinguishing a face hovering above him but unable to make out who it belonged to for a few seconds because of the blurriness that had become his vision. He had to blink several times to focus on whose it was, but once it did, he inhaled sharply.

It was his mom's, and there tears in her eyes too.

"That's a beautiful picture," she said softly, taking the picture from his hands to look at it better. "You know, he's still with us," she whispered, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of his head.

"I know," he heard himself say, his voice clogged with emotion. "I just miss him, so much."

"I know, baby. Me too."

He smiled despite the ache in his chest, taking the frame that his mother was now handing down to him. He placed it back on the box gingerly and closed it shut, trying his best to catch his breath.

"I know it's not much," Logan said, turning back to him, "but I hope you liked it."

"I love it," Kendall said and pulled Logan into a hug. "Thank you."

Pulling away, Kendall watched as Carlos handed a present to Katie, who was sitting next to James on the floor with a wide smile on her face. The little girl ripped off the wrapping paper covering it and opened the box, letting out a happy cry as she did.

"Kenny!"

All Kendall saw was a blur of color as Katie rose to her feet and ran to where he was sitting, holding up something in one hand. "Kenny, look!" she shouted, placing the item – which he could see was the doll Katie had wanted for a couple of weeks now – on his lap. "Santa remembered!"

"What?" Kendall looked up, his eyes meeting Logan's, and then James' and Carlos', who all wore matching expressions of anticipation on their faces. "I—"

"That's a really nice doll you got there, Katie," James said before Kendall could get a word out.

"Santa brought it for me," Katie said, hugging the doll tightly. "I love her."

Kendall couldn't help but smile, pulling the little girl into his arms. 'Thank you,' he mouthed over her shoulder, smiling at the three other boys in the room.

Maybe things were hard, but one thing was for sure – he could always count on his best friends to be there for him when he needed it the most.


End file.
